Orange is the New Black: Thirsty Bird review

Orange is the New Black season 2 is here and I am so ready. I have a stack of microwavable popcorn, Hot Pockets, several liters of orange Fanta, and Netflix on my smart phone so I can continue binge watching during pee breaks. Ah, the luxury of pee breaks. You never really appreciate your freedom to pee at will until you watch Piper as she begs for the privilege.

And beg she does. Season 2 starts with Piper being dragged out of the SHU in the middle of the night, bundled onto a bus, then a plane, and flown to Chicago without anyone telling her where she is going, why, or for how long. She doesn’t even know if Pennsatucky survived her beat down (she did), and has spent the last month in solitary wracked with guilt and convinced that she had beat the meth head to death. All of which she unloads on the inmate sitting next to her on the plane, that inmate being played by a very weathered looking Lori Petty (still awesome, despite the hot mess that was Tank Girl).

The transfer to Chicago does not improve Piper’s situation. She is stuck in a room with four other inmates, two of whom immediately dislike her for accidently stepping on their pet cockroach, Yoda. Yoda was a talented little guy; he slow walked cigarettes back and forth to the other cells. This viewer is dubious. I work in Philadelphia and my office building (like most of the city) is infested with giant, red, cockroaches. Those fuckers are upwards of three inches long, they fly, and they sure as shit don’t slow walk anywhere. On a related note, you have not lived until you see a Madagascar hissing cockroach on the street – and it hisses at you. I about shit my pants that day.

Anywho…If you were burning up with questions about the other inmates at Litchfield, well then you will keep burning until the next episode and trust me when I say, you will be in a fiery rage at the end of this one.

The only familiar face Piper sees is Alex, who explains to her that they are in Chicago for the trial of the mastermind behind their drug money smuggling operation; Kubra. Alex further explains to Piper the danger inherent in spilling the beans on a drug kingpin. The idea that Kubra could put a hit on her does not seem to faze Piper as much as it should; then again she gave her four-day-old undies to another prisoner (who she was later relieved to learn was a hit man, not a rapist).

Tell the truth or lie? That is the question. Alex tells Piper to lie; prison being better than death. Is this really a debate or does the fact that I personally would lie my ass off just a sad commentary on my moral fiber? Hey, I saw that HBO documentary about contract killer Richard “The Iceman” Kuklinski. No thank you.

In the end, Piper lies during the trial. Not to save herself, but for Alex. After which her lawyer (Larry’s dad) quits. Which is a shame since in the final scene, Alex, wearing civilian clothes, is being walked out of the prison as she shouts apologies to Piper. She told the truth and got her freedom.

What Piper gets for perjury remains to be seen. It’s Season 2 and she isn’t just flying blind; she is plummeting.

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