In Memoriam: Agent Phil Coulson of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Feature Lisa Bernier 1/7/2013 at 10:39PM

As far as we know there hasn't been a memorial service for Agent Coulson. Please take a moment to share ours.

Looking back, let us remember those who have passed. In the spirit of great grief for those protagonists, antagonists, and memorable side players who wormed their way into our hearts, here is a eulogy for the memorable S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Phil Coulson, who was cruelly cut down in his prime by Loki/Joss Whedon in this summer’s blockbuster hit The Avengers. 

INT.-The new S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters.

AGENT COULSON’s #1 FAN, wearing a T-shirt that says, PHILLY COOLBOY’S #1 Fan steps up to the podium. Set up next to the stand is a larger than life portrait of AGENT COULSON, wreathed in flowers. Assembled before THE  #1 FAN is a small yet diverse crowd of Superheroes and S.H.I.E.L.D. AGENTS, plus one pretty CELLIST who is bawling her eyes out over her cello.

#1 FAN:

Hello, everyone. We are gathered here today…

(taps the microphone)

…is this thing on? Seriously? Can you all hear me?

NICK FURY:

Someone fix the motherfuckin’ microphone!

NOISE of S.H.I.E.L.D. TECHIES scurrying. Suddenly, FEEDBACK sounds from the microphone, making everyone cover their ears. IRON MAN passes NICK FURY a card that says Stark Stage Technologies. 

#1 FAN:

(taps microphone)

Ah. There we are. Sorry about that everyone, technical difficulties. Which is somehow fitting.

(sad smile)

We all know how Agent Coulson considered himself the ultimate Stage Manager. How gracefully and efficiently he was able to wrangle every superhero, no matter how recalcitrant, to their appropriate places on time. 

THE CROWD murmurs their assent. 

#1 FAN: (CONT’D)

This is yet another demonstration of how this unparalleled example of a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent, this planetary hero and most of all, this quiet yet tender lover shall be missed. 

The CELLIST bawls louder. PEPPER POTTS hands her a Kleenex.

#1 FAN: (CONT’D)

We are gathered here today to remember Agent Phil Coulson. I have the honor, as his #1 Fan, of giving the eulogy for the man whose death gave all of us the will to withstand nefarious evil.

(pause)

Many of us first met Agent Coulson after terrorists kidnapped Tony Stark/Iron Man. Agent Coulson was there to offer Iron Man help as he found his superhero feet. Agent Coulson gave many of us their first glance of S.H.I.E.L.D.  The fact that Mr. Stark was eventually deemed unfit for S.H.I.E.L.D. due to his irritating yet iconoclastic nature didn’t stop our Agent from recruiting him and it was our beloved Agent’s urging that led to Iron Man being included in the team that saved us from Loki’s horde. If we all remember, Mr. Stark played a key role in the aliens’ defeat.

IRON MAN puts on shades to hide his grief. PEPPER POTTS takes his hand. THOR, THE HULK and CAPTAIN AMERICA give manly grips of comfort to IRON MAN ‘s shoulder.

#1 FAN: (CONT’D)

 We all cheered when Agent Coulson led the team that found Thor’s hammer. He also took point when Thor came to Earth. Yes, Hawkeye shot Thor on his orders, but that’s water under the bridge. After all, Hawkeye has shot everyone at some point, right? 

GENTLE LAUGTER in the CROWD. THOR gives HAWKEYE a bro fist bump. HAWKEYE falls out of his seat, unable to stand up to the strength of a GOD. He shoots THOR. THOR chuckles and pulls the arrow out of his shoulder. 

#1 FAN: (CONT’D)

Did he leave the recruitment of Dr. Banner’s Hulk up to Black Widow? Yes. But that merely demonstrates his savvy. We all know you catch angry mutant scientists more easily with Hot Leather Clad Secret Agent Girls than with suited company men. 

The BLACK WIDOW glowers sexily. The HULK grimaces and smashes another chair.

#1 FAN: (CONT’D)

But in the end, what we will remember Agent Coulson—or Phil—most for is his humanity. His willingness to stand up for the little guy. No wonder his hero was Captain America, a man who used his superpowers to stand up for the downtrodden. Always did he carry a Captain America card on his person, to remind himself he was fighting for those who could not defend themselves. 

CAPTAIN AMERICA holds up a signed, bloodstained card of himself. He puts it into his suit, by his heart. 

CAPTAIN AMERICA:

Now I carry the card as a reminder.

APPLAUSE. 

#1 FAN:

(choked)

Excuse me, I need a minute.

#1 FAN takes out a hanky with AGENT COULSON’s face on it and blows nose. 

#1 FAN: (CONT’D)

(puts hanky into pocket)

I know Phil would have been over the moon to know his hero honored him so.

(takes a breath)

We have to remember the good times. The gossip. The love and relationship advice he gave us, even if he was so cruelly, cruelly spurned by a musician who shall not be named who plays the cello.
(shoots CELLIST an evil look)

But those who knew his worth whilst he was alive outnumber those who did not. Witness this lifetime free pass from the Convenience Store he saved from robbers. And Agent Sitwell can attest to his political and tactical skill in employing Consultant Stark to annoy five star Generals to excellent effect.

AGENT SITWELL holds up his iPhone, with his lighter App engaged. AGENT MARIA HILL does as well.

#1 FAN: (CONT’D)

In the end, as Agent Maria Hill knows, Phil Coulson was the one who you wanted at your back.  Even Loki, his murderer, regretted it in the end or at the very least, he had the manners to send a bereavement card courtesy of his adoptive brother, Thor. 

THOR passes around the card. It has LOKI’s bloody handprint on it, making burn holes through the cover. The word “Sympathies” is scrawled in THOR’S handwriting.

THOR:

(embarrassed)

Sorry about the god-blood. It’s how he likes to sign things.

PEPPER POTTS:

(pats THOR on the hand)

It’s the thought that counts.

#1 FAN:

So let us bow our heads for a moment of silence, to remember the man, the agent, the quiet hero of S.H.I.E.L.D. and hope his 3-D representation in Joss Whedon’s upcoming television movie does him justice. 

A MOMENT of SILENCE, punctuated by THE CELLIST’S suppressed sobs.

#1 FAN: (CONT’D)

And now, as we commit his body to the stars, we will hear his favorite song, played by a cellist he knew. 

The weeping CELLIST plays Born To Be Wild. The CROWD stands. CAPTAIN AMERICA, NICK FURY and S.H.I.E.L.D. give salutes. IRON MAN shoots off rockets that explode into facsimiles of COULSON’S face, while PEPPER POTTS blows a kiss towards the coffin. THOR HAMMERS a plaque onto the coffin, simultaneously creating a lightning storm, which sets the COFFIN on FIRE. The HULK smashes more chairs and then THROWS the COFFIN into a CANNON. 

The FLAMING COFFIN is shot by the CANNON through a skylight. As it hurtles into space, everyone bows his or her head. The CELLIST finishes playing.

 

#1 FAN:

Ok, everyone. So, Little Debbie chocolate and powdered donuts and a shawarma platter are set up in Interrogation Room Alpha for refreshment, along with complimentary Tae-Bo tapes to take home. 

BLACKOUT.