5 Video Game Roles Ryan Gosling Should Play

News John Saavedra 9/10/2013 at 9:00AM

Our favorite badass with a baby face is in his first video game film adaptation…kinda. We've spent considerable time trying to match Ryan Gosling to the right video game roles, since really, what else does he have left to conquer?

What do we know about Ryan Gosling? We know that women love him, men want to be him, and that he’s usually very peace-loving...except when he’s out murdering everything! Set aside The Notebook days and the likable player from Crazy, Stupid, Love. Bring on the man with no name, the muscle car, and leather gloves. Bring on the gangster with the samurai sword. Get Ryan Gosling a motorbike and get the hell out of his way!

This summer I got a chance to watch DriveOnly God Forgives, and The Place Beyond the Pines and holy crap was I surprised by Mr. Gosling's badassery, his blood-spattered face, the pile of bodies he left in his wake. Los Angeles, Bangkok, and Schenectady all suffered the wrath of Gosling, whose main motivation is usually to protect the ones he loves. Thanks to directors like Nicolas Winding Refn and Derek Cianfrance, my new image of Ryan is one step away from barbarian.

Which got me thinking: what would it be like if Mr. Gosling starred in some video game adaptations? All he needs is someone to make out with, a gun, and some bad guys. Easy enough. Here are five:

1. The Place Beyond the Far Cry

Ryan is on his yacht with Rachel McAdams when suddenly he is attacked by pirates, who sink his beloved boat and, most importantly, make him spill merlot on his favorite white V-neck. Our hero and his lady must swim to the “safety” of an uncharted island only to be overwhelmed by the enemy, who leave Ryan for dead while they kidnap his woman. If there’s one thing I’ve learned this summer, it’s DON’T MESS WITH RYAN GOSLING’S WOMAN. What follows is RG getting creative with a harpoon, some coconuts, and banana peels. He tames a wild tiger with his death stare and sicks them on those poor pirates. Oh, and he LOVES drowning people during romantic walks on the beach. It should be a jolly old time.

 2. Rings

Naturally, Nicolas Winding Refn will want a piece of the action and bring the world of Sonic the Hedgehog to the big screen. No dialogue, lots of pop music and neon, and very fancy lighting. Oh, and RG plays the titular hedgehog, of course. What’s more dangerous than Ryan Gosling with a gun? A very FAST Ryan Gosling with a gun! Sonic won’t merely be bumping little pigs off a cliff. He’ll be crushing their little pig heads with his fists and when Doctor Robotnik (Joe Pesci) shows up to cause trouble, he’ll make sure to destroy his entire crime ring in time to make out with Amy Rose (Carey Mulligan) in all the elevators in the land.

3. Only God of War Forgives

In this version of God of War, Gosling gets to do what he does best: walk around shirtless, baring his tattooed chest for all the nymphs to see. You can pretty much figure out the rest…Also, I wonder what Ryan would look like bald…If it’s anything like the neo-Nazi from The Believer, that’s pretty friggin scary.

4. Dead Gosling

Insert lone zombie-killing machine from Dead Island or Dead Rising and let Ryan do his work. Armed with a chainsaw, a dark sense of humor, and a hairdo that no zombie shall ruffle, RG is on his first postapocalyptic adventure in zombie territory. Perhaps the last man on Earth trying to protect his pet dog or out to find the last goddamn Twinkie, Gosling will get the job done in time to dance around in his underwear at the mall Tom Cruise style.

5. Wolfengosling

It’s World War II and Ryan finds himself behind enemy lines, hoping to quell the Nazis once and for all. He must fight his way through soldier, machine, and monster to get his hands on the target: the Fuhrer himself! Of course, there’s a rendition of “Springtime for Hitler” at the end of the movie.

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Sonic the Hedgehog? Seriously?

No. not seriously. That's the point.

I will admit that Josh Brolin would probably portray a better version of the hedgehog. Maybe a bit older version with mommy and daddy issues.

Holy sheet dude I have the same first and last name as you irl